Saturday, August 10, 2013


Kicked Out Of Friendly's
                          By Kourtney Donohue
                                   

We got a booth in the back of Friendly's Ice Cream restaurant.  The waitress was visibly irritated that she was serving five loud, giggly, pre-teenage girls ice cream sundaes that were bigger than their heads.  As we began to inhale our chocolate fudge smothered sundaes, Kristie, my sister, was reminded of something she recently heard, "Someone told me that chocolate and cocaine come from the same plant."  Lauren, our first cousin, stopped eating her sundae, stared wide eyed across the table at Kristie and demanded to know more, "Kristie am I eating cocaine right now?  Am I Kristie?  I'm eating cocaine?!?!"  Kristie realized what she'd done and began to stutter "uhh well, but it's-- no Lau, it's not the sa--"

Lauren interjected before she could finish, "Kristie tell me the truth, am I eating cocaine?"  Kristie said "No Lau!" but she giggled nervously.  I attempted to answer too, but I also began to giggle nervously.  Lauren continued to panic and she thought we were mocking her because we couldn't stop laughing, "Oh my God I'm on cocaine!  You gave me cocaine!  I'm on cocaaaaaaaaaaine!?!?"  Lauren slammed both hands on the table rocking back and forth screaming at the top of her lungs "OH MY GOD I'M ON COCAINE!!!!!  I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ON COCAINE!!!!!"  We tried to stop her, "Lauren no you're not! shhhhhh! You are not on coca--". I couldn't say it with a straight face, I couldn't control the nervous giggle.  People were looking at us.  We were worried the waitress was going to come over.  Lauren wouldn't listen to us.  She wouldn't calm down.  She panicked even more.  She would not stop screaming. She finally stood up from the table and she screamed out to the restaurant that -oh my god, she was on cocaine!  I saw the waitress heading over to us.  We jumped up and shuffled Lauren toward the bathroom, dodging the waitress as she stomped over to address the big scene we made.  Lauren ran ahead of me into the bathroom, slammed the door and locked it before I could slip in with her.  She refused to let us in.  We were all banging on the door, "Lauren please let us in."  "Open the door."  "You are NOT on cocaine."  All we could hear was Lauren wailing from the inside, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GAVE ME COCAINE!!!!  I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ON COCAINE!!!!"    

The waitress came up behind us at the bathroom door and demanded to know what was going on.  I said, "Please give me a chance to talk to her.  You don't understand".  But I didn't know how to make her understand Lauren.  Lauren has a lot of fear.  She often overreacts.  Ok I'm exaggerating, she always overreacts.  She interprets things kind of like Amelia Bedilia, the maid from those children's books - she often takes things literally.  One time she read in a Cosmo magazine that dark eyelashes accentuate the eyes, so she plucked out all her blonde eyelashes, even though most of them were blonde!  And she is very in touch with her how she feels, whether it's good or bad feelings.  She is honest about those feelings, which is unlike most people.  Everyone in the family knows this.  That's why when Aunt Janine was getting ready to go to her 20th high school reunion and didn't believe us that she looked great she said, "I want Lauren's opinion".  Lauren said, "You look hot Aunt Janine!".  Aunt Jan persisted, "But does this outfit make me look fat?".  Lauren looked her up and down and said, "No way! Well hold on, turn this way, ok maybe a little bit from this angle but other than that you look fabulous Aunt Janine! You look fabulous!".  We spent the next hour convincing Aunt Jan to go to the reunion.  Everyone trusts Lauren's opinion.  Everyone loves her honesty (most of the time) and her unique enthusiasm for life.  But when she freaks out - she freaks out.  And not too many people understand it.  But who really understands someone else's perspective?  And how can anyone really explain another's perspective?  That is why we share stories, feelings, thoughts...so that we can get a little glimpse into the perspective of others.  But at the time - there was just no explaining Lauren's perspective to the Friendly's waitress.                

The waitress refused to listen to me, "You all need to leave" she ordered.  I pleaded, "No please, you don't understand, she is not on cocaine".  The waitress said, "Well it sure seems like she is!"  It didn't help that Lauren was screaming from behind the locked door that she was indeed, on cocaine.  I told the waitress that we have to calm her down to get her out.  Finally she let us do this and Lauren agreed to open the door a crack, but wouldn't come out.  I whispered to Lauren through the crack of the door, "Lau, the waitress is kicking us out of here.  Please tell her that you're not on cocaine."  Lauren opened the door a little more, looked at the waitress with tears in her eyes and cried, "YES I AAAAAAAMMMM! I'M ON COCAINE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ON COCAINE! OH MY GOOOOOOD!" 

"That's it you're all out of here!" the waitress said, she was raising her voice and going to get a manager.  This was our opportunity, we pushed our way into the bathroom and drilled it into Lauren that she was not on cocaine, and eventually, she began to calm down.  We said, "Lauren we all ate the chocolate, we've been eating it our whole lives, we are not on cocaine."  She looked at us with softer eyes, "I'm not on cocaine?  You promise Kourtney?!"  "Yes Lau, you're not on cocaine."  She then howled her iconic loud Lauren laugh "AAAAAghgghhhhhahahaaahahahaha.  I can't believe I thought I was on cocaine!  Aaaahahahaahahahahaahah"  Mouth wide open, head thrown back, out of breath rocking laughter.  That's the Lauren we knew was in there.  Always able to laugh at herself.  Always keeping us laughing.  The waitress still didn't believe us, we tried to get her to let us finish our ice cream but she wasn't having it.  We were kicked out of Friendly's. 

 Outside we sat in the parking lot waiting for one of our parents to pick us up. Lauren
knew she wasn't on cocaine. We were all angry. Not at Lauren or the situation, 
but because the waitress didn't even let us finish our ice cream. Worst of all;
how dare she accuse our cousin of being on cocaine!

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